Monday, March 23, 2009

N Korean Dictator Ranked Third Worst

The US Sunday newspaper supplement 'Parade' has named DPRK Socialist Worker's Party leader and depraved lunatic Kim Jong-Il third worst tyrant in the world, after Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe (Ed. Note: I met him once) and Sudan's Omar al-Bashir. According to an article covering the Parade story in today's Korea Times, Mr Kim's status has fallen from first to third since the previous ranking for 2007.

"Puh-leeze," began the official response from the (North) Korea Central News Agency (KCNA) in Pyongyang, "Dear Leader is way more brutal a dictator than either of those guys. In case you haven't heard, he's been sick." The communique continued:
Those foul deviants at capitalist American Parade magazine simply demoted Dear Leader Kim Jong-il as part of their campaign to besmirch our great socialist Utopia in preparation for launching a nuclear attack on the socialist wonderland of Korea. I have news for them! Kim Jong-il committed more gloriously heinous acts on anti-socialist pig-dogs in our perfect country before breakfast today than Mr Mugabe will probably manage all week. How dare they beg for food, or fail to share the Rat Carcasses of Dear Leader's Plenty with their neighbors! For this, they deserve to die!

Mugabe starves his sub-human black African socialist comrades only through inept land management, economic incompetence and political corruption. Dear Leader starves proud millions to death by bravely stepping forward and saying "Aniyo!" to the breadcrumbs, the pitiful 500,000 tons of free food offered by capitalist pig-dogs and their NGOs. You know what, Dear Leader doesn't even know what NGO stands for, and he doesn't care!

And don't even get Dear Leader Kim Jong-il started on Bashir--he's a total fraud when it comes to evil dictating! His forces maraud, maim and murder totally indiscriminately! That's no way to run a dictatorship--downtrodden, brainwashed, impoverished masses without two grains of rice to rub together do not respect that kind of thinking. They want cruel repression that makes sense!

In comparison, Dear Leader only heaps outrageous punishments on those who have done great wrong to our wonderful socialist Nirvana! For instance, if your great-grandfather once rode in an American car, or ever wondered what a hot dog might taste like, and we find out about it--you will spend your miserable, socialism-hating life in a hell-hole concentration camp that befits traitors like yourself, being re-educated until you die. Hot dogs are nasty, and don't even taste like dog.

Fear not, Sunday supplement readers, Kim Jong-il is on his way back to the top! Mainly, another year of below average rainfall is predicted, and with our heavenlily antiquated irrigation equipment falling into glorious disrepair, food production is expected to be happily far below what is needed to feed our population. We hope millions more will suffer needless starvation and death in the coming year as they volunteer to help return Dear Leader to his place as the world's number one!


Kelsey said...

It definitely is a toss-up between those three. They're all pretty awful to their people.

(BTW, Marc has met Mugabe too, when he was working at the US embassy in Botswana.)

Tanner Brown said...

Great editor's note. You rock.